Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Grinch Within the Greatness that is Mark

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

-Dr. Suess

I do not enjoy Christmas anymore. I don't really know why, but I have some ideas...

Maybe it's because I'm in that proverbial wasteland between being a kid and having kids of my own.

Maybe it's because I don't have that special someone to drink eggnog in front of a fireplace with.

Maybe it's because I hate eggnog. (Okay, hate is a strong word. I'm good with a half a cup a year.)

Maybe it's because for months of hype, it's over in a blink of an eye.

Maybe it's because I despise the commercialization of the holiday.

Maybe it's because I hate Christmas music. (Attention old retail jobs, thank you for your 24/7 endless loop of crappy Christmas songs.)

Maybe it's because I don't understand the fascination with plastering one's house with lights. We get it. You have a small penis.

Maybe it's because I'm jealous of other people enjoying themselves .

Maybe it's because I'm Jewish. Never mind, I'm Islamic. Just messing, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. Whoops, I'm not that either.

Maybe it's because nobody ever gets me a gift (cash money and gift cards excluded) I enjoy.

Maybe it's because nobody ever enjoys the gifts I meticulously hand-picked for them.

Maybe it's because I'm the Grinch. Not a person with Grinch tendencies or personality traits or looks. I mean, literally, the Grinch. I do look good in green. I am generally regarded as a bastard by most everyone that knows me. I absolutely HATE Christmas. Yup, that's it. I'm the Grinch. Drink it in. Respect it. Oh, yeah...

I'm the Grinch, BITCHES!

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