Tuesday, December 8, 2009

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them...

...maybe you can hire...the A-Team! (And their awe-inspiring van.)

Only the best television intro ever! See it HERE.

There has been some confusion at work regarding what constitutes a Creeper van. Creeper vans are beat up, pieces of crap. They are not awesome, burnout inducing, killing machines. Therefore, the A-Team van is NOT a creeper van.

I am personally offended when the A-Team van is unfairly lumped into the Creeper van group. It is NOT a Creeper van. It NEVER was a Creeper van. It NEVER will be a Creeper van.

It's a testosterone injected killing machine. Not a chloroform smothering rape machine. If you don't believe me, just check out these specs...

The van is a 1983 G-series customized by Universal Studios Prop Dept. The engine is a 350 cubic inch motor with minor modifications done mainly to the carburetor and exhaust system. The wheels are turbine style 15" painted black with red accents with P235/65 15-front and P 275/65 15-rear tires. The main color on the bottom is semi-gloss black. On the top, it is semi-gloss dark gun metal with dark gray flake. The top and bottom are separated with red striping. Other modifications include: a quad headlight conversion, full front brush bar, fog/driving lights, exterior sun visor, quad square exhaust tips (each side in front of rear wheels), and custom made rear wing. The interior was custom white Naugahyde bucket seats, shag carpet, and custom gun case in the back. (FYI, the guns were Ruger Mini 14 stainless steel ranch models with side eject and paratrooper folding stocks. Two of the machine guns were modified for full automatic.) It also had beefy air shocks to improve handling.

No where in that description is Creeper implied. I mean, come on, IT HAS A CUSTOM GUN CASE holding fully automatic weaponry!

On the other hand...

The following pictures are ACTUAL examples of Creeper vans. They are dirty, disgusting, and swarming with semen and STDs, just like their owners. If you see one of these, RUN. If one slowly pulls up behind you, RUN. If you're ever driving one, you need to be imprisoned, raped by Bubba and T-Bone, shanked and left for dead. So please, in the future, DO NOT LUMP THE A-TEAM VAN INTO THE CREEPER VAN CROWD! If you do, I will have to send someone after you!

(Legal disclosure: I am not at fault if you get raped just LOOKING at these Creeper vans.)

(Legal disclosure #2: I want everyone to know that I personally do NOT know any Creepers. Therefore, if I know you, you are NOT a Creeper. Nor am I implying anyone I know is a Creeper.)

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