Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Customer Service Dilemma

"Everyone has a right to be stupid; some people just abuse the privilege."

How do you tell someone he's stupid without saying, "Hey moron, you're a fucking idiot. Why don't you think for a change? I guess common sense is not a concept you grasp?" I wish I could say that and still keep my job.

So here's the backstory. Some guy called up today to bitch about his HSA. He had an account and so did his wife. They were authorized signers on each others accounts. He was concerned about the negative balance on his account. Checks were bouncing left and right. He had the brilliant idea to write checks off his account. However, he thought that as long as his wife signed the check, the funds would be taken out of her account.

"You guys really fucked me here." And so the cussing began.

I actually had to teach to him how checks work. I explained that no matter who signs the checks, the funds are drawn from the account number that is printed on the checks. And it's not like he is new to the magical world of checking. He is on the plus side of 40, but the dementia years are a ways off.

"I've had nothing but trouble with you fucks." Yes. Because you are a moron. No? That cannot be. Your stupidity is also our fault. I better watch out before Al Gore comes after us for global warming and Packer fans blame us for Brett Favre choosing to wear purple.

He wanted a resolution and now. So I ordered checks for his wife's account at no charge. Yup. We paid for his stupidity. I once again explained that the checks with his name first and his account number will draw from HIS HSA and the checks with her name first and her account number will draw from HER HSA. It was like teaching rocket science to a toddler. He asked how to get funds out of her account during the "months" it will take for the checks to arrive. I advised him that she could use the debit card linked to her account during the 10 days the checks would be in the mail.

"Everyone uses checks for medical expenses. Why the hell would I use the debit card?" That was his gem of a response. Really? I think there are hundreds of thousands of people that would disagree. Me being one of them.

So I added him to my asshole caller list and went about my day. However, I could not shake the notion that his stupidity might have some way rubbed off on me. God help me.

God help us all!

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