Laddie's Footprints

I'm not a religious man, but Laddie has GOT to be tired.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."

I know I'm heavy, but thanks for the lift, Pupper!

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Prestige

Well, I did it. I Prestiged today in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I was on the fence, but decided the draw of the extra Callsigns and Emblems was worth it. I also have one more Create-A-Class slot. (Very helpful.) Plus, I have time to get back up to 70 and enjoy all the guns, perks and challenges.

I'm 99.99% sure I will NOT Prestige again though. There is a benefit to the first time, but the only difference beyond that is 1 or 2 more Callsigns and up to 10 Create-A-Class slots. Not worth it in my eyes.

So long AK-47. I hardly knew ya! (But I'll be seeing you again shortly.)

This is my player logo...

Stats at the time of Prestige:
As of right now, the only thing I'm ranked in the top 1,000,000 (yes, MILLION) is wins and surprisingly, accuracy. I'm currently ranked 999,406 with 280 wins and 923,477 with 19.22% accuracy.

Score - 573,230
Time Played - 2 days, 18 hours, 23 minutes

Wins - 280
Losses - 239
Ratio - 1.17
Streak 11

Kills - 5668
Deaths - 4972
Ratio - 1.14
Streak - 13

Accuracy - 19.22%
Shots Hit - 13,523
Shots Missed - 56,827

Favorite Callsigns Earned:

"Group Hug" - Kill multiple enemies with a Semtex grenade stuck to one of them.

"Team Player: II" - Win 15 Team Deathmatch matches.

Stab a person wearing this title. (This is a viral Callsign so sooner or later everyone will have it and the awesome factor will wear off.)

Most Wanted Callsign:

"The Resourceful" - Kill an enemy by sticking a Semtex Grenade to an ally.

Favorite Emblems Earned:

"Overdraft" - Get a Payback that sticks to the victim. (Reminds me of the "Fight Club" logo.)

"Blindfire" - Kill an enemy while you are still dazed by a flashbang.

"Airborne" - Get a 2 kill streak with bullets while in mid-air. (Reminds me of the Duke Nukem logo.)

Most Wanted Emblem:

"Fast Swap" - Hurt an enemy with a primary weapon, then finish him off with a pistol.

Stuck...

...in the snow...and this crappy week!

Good Bye, Old Friend

Today I lost the best friend I've ever had...my dog, Laddie. I will never forget the love you gave me. You will be missed, Pupper!

The Grinch Within the Greatness that is Mark

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

-Dr. Suess

I do not enjoy Christmas anymore. I don't really know why, but I have some ideas...

Maybe it's because I'm in that proverbial wasteland between being a kid and having kids of my own.

Maybe it's because I don't have that special someone to drink eggnog in front of a fireplace with.

Maybe it's because I hate eggnog. (Okay, hate is a strong word. I'm good with a half a cup a year.)

Maybe it's because for months of hype, it's over in a blink of an eye.

Maybe it's because I despise the commercialization of the holiday.

Maybe it's because I hate Christmas music. (Attention old retail jobs, thank you for your 24/7 endless loop of crappy Christmas songs.)

Maybe it's because I don't understand the fascination with plastering one's house with lights. We get it. You have a small penis.

Maybe it's because I'm jealous of other people enjoying themselves .

Maybe it's because I'm Jewish. Never mind, I'm Islamic. Just messing, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. Whoops, I'm not that either.

Maybe it's because nobody ever gets me a gift (cash money and gift cards excluded) I enjoy.

Maybe it's because nobody ever enjoys the gifts I meticulously hand-picked for them.

Maybe it's because I'm the Grinch. Not a person with Grinch tendencies or personality traits or looks. I mean, literally, the Grinch. I do look good in green. I am generally regarded as a bastard by most everyone that knows me. I absolutely HATE Christmas. Yup, that's it. I'm the Grinch. Drink it in. Respect it. Oh, yeah...

I'm the Grinch, BITCHES!

If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them...

...maybe you can hire...the A-Team! (And their awe-inspiring van.)



Only the best television intro ever! See it HERE.



There has been some confusion at work regarding what constitutes a Creeper van. Creeper vans are beat up, pieces of crap. They are not awesome, burnout inducing, killing machines. Therefore, the A-Team van is NOT a creeper van.



I am personally offended when the A-Team van is unfairly lumped into the Creeper van group. It is NOT a Creeper van. It NEVER was a Creeper van. It NEVER will be a Creeper van.

It's a testosterone injected killing machine. Not a chloroform smothering rape machine. If you don't believe me, just check out these specs...

The van is a 1983 G-series customized by Universal Studios Prop Dept. The engine is a 350 cubic inch motor with minor modifications done mainly to the carburetor and exhaust system. The wheels are turbine style 15" painted black with red accents with P235/65 15-front and P 275/65 15-rear tires. The main color on the bottom is semi-gloss black. On the top, it is semi-gloss dark gun metal with dark gray flake. The top and bottom are separated with red striping. Other modifications include: a quad headlight conversion, full front brush bar, fog/driving lights, exterior sun visor, quad square exhaust tips (each side in front of rear wheels), and custom made rear wing. The interior was custom white Naugahyde bucket seats, shag carpet, and custom gun case in the back. (FYI, the guns were Ruger Mini 14 stainless steel ranch models with side eject and paratrooper folding stocks. Two of the machine guns were modified for full automatic.) It also had beefy air shocks to improve handling.

No where in that description is Creeper implied. I mean, come on, IT HAS A CUSTOM GUN CASE holding fully automatic weaponry!



On the other hand...

The following pictures are ACTUAL examples of Creeper vans. They are dirty, disgusting, and swarming with semen and STDs, just like their owners. If you see one of these, RUN. If one slowly pulls up behind you, RUN. If you're ever driving one, you need to be imprisoned, raped by Bubba and T-Bone, shanked and left for dead. So please, in the future, DO NOT LUMP THE A-TEAM VAN INTO THE CREEPER VAN CROWD! If you do, I will have to send someone after you!







(Legal disclosure: I am not at fault if you get raped just LOOKING at these Creeper vans.)

(Legal disclosure #2: I want everyone to know that I personally do NOT know any Creepers. Therefore, if I know you, you are NOT a Creeper. Nor am I implying anyone I know is a Creeper.)

Monday Night Smackdown

Roundabouts...A Crash Course so You Don't Crash...Into Me

First things first, if you drive a Blazer similar to this one...



...and were driving through the roundabout by the northside Wal-Mart, GO FUCK YOURSELF. You need to learn how to navigate a fucking roundabout before you get behind the wheel. You're lucky I was in a hurry or I would have followed you to your destination and beat the living shit out of you.

LEARN TO DRIVE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Here's what happened...I was exiting Miesfeld's, but could not cross the highway to head back to Howards Grove so I decided to turn right and make a (legally allowed) u-turn in the roundabout. I was now heading into Sheboygan on Highway 42. A jackass in a teal Blazer was driving next to me. As we approached the roundabout in front of the northside Wal-Mart, I was in the left lane and he was in the right lane. We entered the roundabout at the same time. But, as we traveled through the roundabout, he cut into my lane, which forced me to slam on my breaks and steer up onto the inside apron. Of course, I honked the horn. Unfortunately, I was in a hurry to get home so I collected myself and continued around the roundabout and back to Howards Grove.

Here is an award-winning graphical representation of the event that transpired...



I am not against roundabouts. I believe they are safer than stops signs or traffic lights. I also believe that they keep traffic moving more than other methods. The biggest problem with roundabouts is easily the other dumbass drivers that do not know how to navigate them.

Here are my three biggest roundabout pet peeves...

• Following a driver that comes to a complete stop even though no one is coming from the left.
• Drivers that slow down IN the roundabout, not BEFORE the roundabout.
• And of course, ASSHOLES that do not stay in the same lane throughout the roundabout.

Here is a diagram of how to properly navigate a two lane roundabout...



Here are some tips if you're driving through roundabouts...

1. Slow down.
2. Watch for and obey traffic signs.
3. Move into the correct lane for the direction you want to travel.
4. Yield to pedestrians and bicyclists as you enter and exit the roundabout.
5. Look to the left for traffic.
6. Enter when it is safe.
7. Keep your speed low and STAY IN YOUR LANE within the roundabout (do not change lanes within the roundabout.)
8. Exit carefully to your destination. Use your right-turn signal, in front of the splitter island just prior to your exit, to indicate your intention to exit.

Here are some quick tips when choosing your lane...

• If making a left turn or pulling a u-turn, use LEFT lane.
• If going straight, use LEFT or RIGHT lane.
• If making a right turn, use RIGHT lane.

Hopefully, after reading this note, you will be more knowledgeable about how to navigate a roundabout. Just remember, if you cut me off, and I have time, I will follow you and beat your ass. Just a heads up.

For informational links on how to navigate roundabouts, please check out these two sites:

To view a PDF of "How to Drive a Roundabout," click HERE.

To view the Wisconsin Department of Transportation's website regarding roundabouts, click HERE.

Death to the Forward Slash!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to today's rant...

The only thing I hate more than an asshole account holder is an asshole caller applying for an account. It brings to mind sweet dreams of future calls of getting yelled at for nothing and appeasing demanding jerks who never do anything wrong. (I mean it has to bank's fault that someone would write a check for more than in his account. Wow. The bank is wicked.)

So I get this chick applying for account, but she runs into a problem. A problem bigger than health care reform, bigger than the economic collapse of major investment banks, bigger than not being able to find one's car after Black Friday shopping. What issue did she run into?

A slash. Yes. A slash. A forward slash to be exact. That right there -----> /

OH MY GOD! A FORWARD SLASH! NOOOOOO!

Her address has a 1/2 in it. Since our system does not allow special characters, she ran into a brick wall. She had no idea what to do. It's like coming to a T intersection and wanting to go straight. What should she do? Pull over. Stop. Call up the county planners and bitch. There are no other options. Bitching is the only solution.

So bitch she did. And I was on the receiving end. The conversation went like this...

"Why did you do it that way?" Unfortunately, the system was set up not to allow special characters.

"Why did you do it that way?" The system was designed that way.

"Well, why did you do it that way?" It has to do with the computer program. It was not designed to allow special characters.

"Can I switch it?" Unfortunately, the system cannot be changed.

"What should I do?" You could write it "one half."

"That will look disgusting." I do apologize, but since the system does not allow special characters, a work-around needs to be utilized.

"If I write it one half, will I be able to change it later?" No. Unless the system is changed, it would have to stay that way.

"Well, I suppose. That's stupid. But why did you do it that way?" ...silence...head pounding against desk...soft cries...shotgun blast...Kristen screaming...dead air.

She was such a bitch. And she was young too. She sounded hot, but she fails the hot/crazy scale. I can only imagine the future calls from this wonder child. I'm sure she'll bitch about the monthly fee, the closing fee, her bounced checks, her warm debit card, the 10 seconds she waited on hold, the spelling of our bank and the fact that water is wet.

So how did I end my moment of greatness with this wonderful specimen of public schooling? With my notes. Here is word-for-word what I typed into my Word notes...

TT FORGOT TO GET WHORES NAME. BITCHED ABOUT SLASH IN HER ADDRESS. FUCK HER.

So to all the forward slashes out there and the people who support them...

GO FUCK YOURSELF!