The Humiliation Game Starring Woiverine 4

I'm not sure why Woiverine 4 (not a typo) got so mad at me for raping him. It's not like I went 6-0 against him. Oh, wait. I did. Wow. He must suck at Black Ops. Oh, wait. He does. He even sent me a nice voice message after the game. (You can view the video of the match on YouTube.)

"Hey dude. I'm glad you, ah, got your rank by cheating. Cuz you're a little, fucking cheating ass faggot. And bandwagon jumping. Hi, I'm a Packers fan because they won the Super Bowl. You probably take it in the ass from your fucking big brother, you little fuck."

So I replied...

"Wow. Big words. Although I can't expect intelligence from a Michigan fan. And I'm not sure why you thought I was cheating. It's called talent. You should try it sometime."

And since he had not yet used the other ten words in his vocabulary, he came back with this gem...

"Yeah, you're about as good as those faggot ass Wisconsin Badgers. When's the last time they won something? Oh, that's right. They're not winners, they're losers just like you. So enjoy stroking your Dad's dick before you go to bed tonight so you can go to sleep, you little faggot."

Since I was starting to feel bad about his condition, I sincerely replied with...

"You have a weird fascination with fags and men sucking dicks. You should get that looked it. It could fester. What? Oh, no. Sorry about that."

He also sent a voice message about me saving up soda can money to afford a mic. I have one. I was using it to party chat with Murda while we made fun of him.

By the way, I think we can go to the scoreboard. He went 7-11 in the round and I went 19-12.

And since I was bored, I posted our stats below.

I have a better win to loss ratio. My best win streak is higher. (Lunchbox37 +1)

I have a better kill to death ratio. My best kill streak is higher. (Lunchbox37 +2)

In almost the same amount of time played, I have about 15,000 more kills. (Lunchbox37 +3)

I am more accurate. (Lunchbox37 +4)

I was better in my last 10 games than he was. (Lunchbox37 +5)

So in general, I'm Winning because I'm the Warlock with Tiger Blood!

Was It Worth It, Brett?

I hope it was worth it, Brett. You lost well paying sponsors, disgraced a beautiful, caring wife and sullied a reputation you spent 20 years building.

I mean the below is nice, but damn. Was it worth it?

How Doth My Tail Lights Offend Ye?

As I wrote in my post titled, Markllennium Falcon Speeds Past the 200k Parsec Barrier..."I once was pulled over for having illegal tail light covers. (Nothing fancy. Just the ones that Auto Zone sold.) Then a month after I took them off, I was pulled over for having too bright of tail lights. Both times were potential drunk stops since they were late at night. Both times I was 100% sober. Thank God."

I guess I can add a 3rd tail light violation story. FML.



So I went to Doug's house for a fire and a few fireworks. Had a good time. Once 11:30 rolled around I decided to head home. I was driving north into Howards Grove. As I passed the Pig, a Sheboygan County Sheriff's Deputy passed me heading south. I made the turn onto College Ave and I noticed headlights in my rear view mirror...closing quick. As I passed Lincoln Ave...BAM...the lights go on. I knew I did not do anything wrong. I was completely sober. I was not speeding. I used my turn signal. My music was not banging.

It had to be a drunk stop. And...it was.

He walks up to the window and asks for my driver's license. I have not updated my address since I moved back from Oregon, WI. (I don't want to have to pay for a new license when I already paid for the one I have.) So I gave it to him and told him I had a new address. He looks at my WISCONSIN license and says, "So you no longer live in the great state of Oregon?" Crap. It's going to be a long night.

He comes back to the truck and lectures me on the legality of aftermarket tail lights. In his infinite wisdom, he asks me why I bought them. "Because I liked the style. To be honest, I thought they were cool when I was 18. Back in 1998." I then preceded to tell him the stories about the two other times I was pulled over for tail light violations. Did not seem to sway him.

He tells me that I have white light emanating from my tail lights and that my break lights were not working. He tells me to tap my break lights as he checks them. They work. What a shocker. Then he tells me to turn my lights on so he can check the "white" light. He calls me to the back of my truck to inspect the "white" light. I don't see it. Don't get me wrong. The red lights are bright. Just not bright white. So I sit back in my truck and wait the 10 minutes for him to fill out the violation warning. I reluctantly grab the warning and head home.

As you can tell from the pictures below, the lights that the officer said were "white" are actually red. There it is...visual proof. Wow. Still doesn't matter though. I have to purchase new lights because the cop was not man enough to admit that he only pulled me over hoping that I was drunk. I wasn't. So being sober cost me.

And there it is! The lesson I learned.

It's better to get hammered than to stay sober. If I was hammered, then Linnea would not have let me drive home. No driving. No DUI. No fake "light" stop. Since I was sober, I was pulled over for nothing. It cost me time and money.

I guess I need to get wasted more often. August 5th cannot come soon enough.

Driver Side-




Passenger Side -

The Grinch Within the Greatness that is Mark

Every Who down in Whoville liked Christmas a lot, but the Grinch, who lived just north of Whoville - did not. The Grinch hated Christmas - the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn't screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.

-Dr. Suess

I do not enjoy Christmas anymore. I don't really know why, but I have some ideas...

Maybe it's because I'm in that proverbial wasteland between being a kid and having kids of my own.

Maybe it's because I don't have that special someone to drink eggnog in front of a fireplace with.

Maybe it's because I hate eggnog. (Okay, hate is a strong word. I'm good with a half a cup a year.)

Maybe it's because for months of hype, it's over in a blink of an eye.

Maybe it's because I despise the commercialization of the holiday.

Maybe it's because I hate Christmas music. (Attention old retail jobs, thank you for your 24/7 endless loop of crappy Christmas songs.)

Maybe it's because I don't understand the fascination with plastering one's house with lights. We get it. You have a small penis.

Maybe it's because I'm jealous of other people enjoying themselves .

Maybe it's because I'm Jewish. Never mind, I'm Islamic. Just messing, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. Whoops, I'm not that either.

Maybe it's because nobody ever gets me a gift (cash money and gift cards excluded) I enjoy.

Maybe it's because nobody ever enjoys the gifts I meticulously hand-picked for them.

Maybe it's because I'm the Grinch. Not a person with Grinch tendencies or personality traits or looks. I mean, literally, the Grinch. I do look good in green. I am generally regarded as a bastard by most everyone that knows me. I absolutely HATE Christmas. Yup, that's it. I'm the Grinch. Drink it in. Respect it. Oh, yeah...

I'm the Grinch, BITCHES!

Roundabouts...A Crash Course so You Don't Crash...Into Me

First things first, if you drive a Blazer similar to this one...



...and were driving through the roundabout by the northside Wal-Mart, GO FUCK YOURSELF. You need to learn how to navigate a fucking roundabout before you get behind the wheel. You're lucky I was in a hurry or I would have followed you to your destination and beat the living shit out of you.

LEARN TO DRIVE, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

Here's what happened...I was exiting Miesfeld's, but could not cross the highway to head back to Howards Grove so I decided to turn right and make a (legally allowed) u-turn in the roundabout. I was now heading into Sheboygan on Highway 42. A jackass in a teal Blazer was driving next to me. As we approached the roundabout in front of the northside Wal-Mart, I was in the left lane and he was in the right lane. We entered the roundabout at the same time. But, as we traveled through the roundabout, he cut into my lane, which forced me to slam on my breaks and steer up onto the inside apron. Of course, I honked the horn. Unfortunately, I was in a hurry to get home so I collected myself and continued around the roundabout and back to Howards Grove.

Here is an award-winning graphical representation of the event that transpired...



I am not against roundabouts. I believe they are safer than stops signs or traffic lights. I also believe that they keep traffic moving more than other methods. The biggest problem with roundabouts is easily the other dumbass drivers that do not know how to navigate them.

Here are my three biggest roundabout pet peeves...

• Following a driver that comes to a complete stop even though no one is coming from the left.
• Drivers that slow down IN the roundabout, not BEFORE the roundabout.
• And of course, ASSHOLES that do not stay in the same lane throughout the roundabout.

Here is a diagram of how to properly navigate a two lane roundabout...



Here are some tips if you're driving through roundabouts...

1. Slow down.
2. Watch for and obey traffic signs.
3. Move into the correct lane for the direction you want to travel.
4. Yield to pedestrians and bicyclists as you enter and exit the roundabout.
5. Look to the left for traffic.
6. Enter when it is safe.
7. Keep your speed low and STAY IN YOUR LANE within the roundabout (do not change lanes within the roundabout.)
8. Exit carefully to your destination. Use your right-turn signal, in front of the splitter island just prior to your exit, to indicate your intention to exit.

Here are some quick tips when choosing your lane...

• If making a left turn or pulling a u-turn, use LEFT lane.
• If going straight, use LEFT or RIGHT lane.
• If making a right turn, use RIGHT lane.

Hopefully, after reading this note, you will be more knowledgeable about how to navigate a roundabout. Just remember, if you cut me off, and I have time, I will follow you and beat your ass. Just a heads up.

For informational links on how to navigate roundabouts, please check out these two sites:

To view a PDF of "How to Drive a Roundabout," click HERE.

To view the Wisconsin Department of Transportation's website regarding roundabouts, click HERE.

Death to the Forward Slash!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to today's rant...

The only thing I hate more than an asshole account holder is an asshole caller applying for an account. It brings to mind sweet dreams of future calls of getting yelled at for nothing and appeasing demanding jerks who never do anything wrong. (I mean it has to bank's fault that someone would write a check for more than in his account. Wow. The bank is wicked.)

So I get this chick applying for account, but she runs into a problem. A problem bigger than health care reform, bigger than the economic collapse of major investment banks, bigger than not being able to find one's car after Black Friday shopping. What issue did she run into?

A slash. Yes. A slash. A forward slash to be exact. That right there -----> /

OH MY GOD! A FORWARD SLASH! NOOOOOO!

Her address has a 1/2 in it. Since our system does not allow special characters, she ran into a brick wall. She had no idea what to do. It's like coming to a T intersection and wanting to go straight. What should she do? Pull over. Stop. Call up the county planners and bitch. There are no other options. Bitching is the only solution.

So bitch she did. And I was on the receiving end. The conversation went like this...

"Why did you do it that way?" Unfortunately, the system was set up not to allow special characters.

"Why did you do it that way?" The system was designed that way.

"Well, why did you do it that way?" It has to do with the computer program. It was not designed to allow special characters.

"Can I switch it?" Unfortunately, the system cannot be changed.

"What should I do?" You could write it "one half."

"That will look disgusting." I do apologize, but since the system does not allow special characters, a work-around needs to be utilized.

"If I write it one half, will I be able to change it later?" No. Unless the system is changed, it would have to stay that way.

"Well, I suppose. That's stupid. But why did you do it that way?" ...silence...head pounding against desk...soft cries...shotgun blast...Kristen screaming...dead air.

She was such a bitch. And she was young too. She sounded hot, but she fails the hot/crazy scale. I can only imagine the future calls from this wonder child. I'm sure she'll bitch about the monthly fee, the closing fee, her bounced checks, her warm debit card, the 10 seconds she waited on hold, the spelling of our bank and the fact that water is wet.

So how did I end my moment of greatness with this wonderful specimen of public schooling? With my notes. Here is word-for-word what I typed into my Word notes...

TT FORGOT TO GET WHORES NAME. BITCHED ABOUT SLASH IN HER ADDRESS. FUCK HER.

So to all the forward slashes out there and the people who support them...

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

When All My Built Up Hope, Excitement and Anticipation Goes...POOF!

Anyone that knows me, knows that I was anticipating the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for the 360. I had the Hardened edition pre-ordered since April and the Prestige edition since May. November 10th could not have come soon enough. There I was Tuesday morning waiting in line at Best Buy to pick it up. After a LONG day of work, I raced home to play. After a hour long delay, (Damn, those goggles are fun!) I was ready to kill. I went through the single player campaign on Regular. Then on Veteran. And for a third time on Recruit. In between, Murda and I crushed the Special Ops missions. To this point, we have earned 66 of the possible 69 stars. Everything up until that point was what I imagined. It was glorious. It was awe-inspiring. It was worth the money.



Then came the online multi-player...



First off, Infinity Ward disabled Party chat during the match. (Party chat is for groups of up to 8 XBOX Live friends that can chat with each other no matter what game or activity they are doing individually. It's awesome. I can be killing, a buddy can be playing UNO and another checking Facebook, but we can all be talking together.) Party chat in this game? Nope. OUTLAWED. Fuck that. And because of that, Murda and I had to listen to the other players. That was the main reason behind gripe number 2.



There are WAY too many kids and racists playing this game. The game is rated M for mature. Kids under 18 should not even be playing it. Where are their parents? Boozing it up, that's where. Its probably the reason why the kids are so fucked up. Seriously, grow the fuck up. If I ever met you in real life, I'd fucking punch you in the head. Then I'd punch your Dad in the head. Then your Mom. Then the person standing next to your Mom out of spite for being in the same general area.



If the 10-year-old racists weren't bad enough, the "pros" I played with were. And by "pros," I mean the fucking no talent ass clowns that have nothing to do all day, but play. You know the ones. The ones that can skip school because their parents are too drunk to notice or the ones that have no job and sit in their parents' basements, smoking pot and reminiscing about the "glory" days of high school when they did that one "cool" thing that nobody remembers, but them. Basically, retards.



During the first match I played, I had no idea of the map layout, what guns were good for that map or where the killing zones were. Plus, I was playing with 1 of the 3 guns (which are all crap) the game starts you with. Needless to say, I started 0-6. All of sudden everyone on my team starts dumping on me, taunting me and telling me how much I suck. (Except Murda who was in the same boat. He was not running around all crazy-like so he didn't get shot up like me.) Let's just say that pissed me off. Just a bit. Maybe a bit more than a bit. I could have choked out a nun. I was a little upset. So I focused and rattled off a 10 kill streak to finish 10-6. My team lost by 1 kill, but I finished third. In the lobby after the game, I didn't hear anyone bitching or laughing at me. Funny. I wonder why? Maybe because a guy, who played his first match, without a basic knowledge of the map and playing with the starting guns, just bitch slapped you fucks up and down the map.



After that first match, Murda and I quit and played Battlefield: Bad Company...



Needless to say, we won the first Battlefield match after not playing that game in over 2 weeks. Did I mention I finished first overall and Murda and I won best squad? Oh yeah. We're fucking good.

Will I go back to mult-player on CoD: MW2? Probably. It's just so deflating when something I looked forward to for a long ass time, disappoints. (Kind of like the "Crying Game." Having a great time with someone that gets you and loves you for you and then, BAM!, a penis shows up.) However, the game is just too damn good to put on a shelf. Nevertheless, I will always be wary of the racist kids and the good-for-nothing wannabe pros. But don't worry. I'll kill them...eventually. (In the game, I mean. Of course, of course.)