The BEST Man Speech

This is the speech I gave as the best man at Jeff's wedding. I wrote it while I lived in Madison, but completely forgot about it until today. I had to use my parents' computer to print it before the ceremony and never deleted it. I have not read it since the wedding day.

If you know me, you know I'm not one to brag. So it is uncomfortable for me to pat myself on my back. But this is a good best man speech. Possibly the best speech this side of Luke Wilson's in Old School. There's a reason I was chosen as the best man. I'm great. Hands down. No doubt. Best best man ever. The absolute bestest man. (Even if I did throw off the size ratio as the wedding party stood at the altar. Really? What the fuck? I guess I'm just lucky my parents raised a halfway decent kid who knows when to hold back even when it is justified. Without tact and a sense of humor, quips are just mean.)

So here's the speech...(I typed it up exactly how it was written so I left in the "cues" I gave myself during the speech. And yes, everyone laughed during the pauses. I know my audience. And I'm a flat out funny son-of-a-bitch.)

Everyone – if I could get your attention. I'd just like to say a few words. My name is Mark, and I have the immense fortune of being both a great friend of the groom, as well as his best man. I apologize for being a little nervous up here. I’ve not had nearly enough to drink tonight, but I’ll change that later.

Since the happy couple was a little concerned about what I might say during my toast, they set me up with some guidelines. I could not cuss nor could I tell any embarrassing stories that may or may not included screen doors, summer sausage, my parent’s couch, or a little guy named Jack Daniel’s. Basically, they stripped me of all my ideas so I decided to search the internet for some thoughts and how-to’s.

Now, in my extensive research to find out how to deliver a great best man speech, I learned that I am expected to sing the praises of the groom and tell you what a wonderful guy Jeff is. Unfortunately, I'm a bad singer and a lousy liar. [PAUSE] Coincidentally, not as bad a singer as Jeff displayed Saturday night.

So here goes. Jeff, Allye is a wonderful, beautiful, kind and good-hearted person who deserves a trusting, compassionate and loving husband. Thank goodness you snapped her up before she found one. [PAUSE] All kidding aside - I'm honored to be here today.

The truest meaning of marriage is the magic of being needed by just one person. The two of you have come together to share your lives and realize your dreams. Today you are husband and wife. This is day one of a great adventure and I'm honored to be able to share it with you. Remember that great opportunities to help each other seldom come... but small ones will surround you everyday.

I love you both and wish you many years of happy marriage. [RAISE GLASS] Now, if you'll all join me in raising a glass to our happy couple, Jeff and Allison. [WAIT FOR IT] May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness. Congratulations! [HUG IT OUT, BITCH]