Meet Us in St. Louis

A Room With a View

Just checked into our hotel in St. Louis. We are on the 17th floor (top floor in the hotel.) This is our view...

Rants and Raves After a Crappy Day

So I do NOT like one specific girl. Hate is a strong word, but it applies in this situation. I want to smother her in her sleep. Defecate on her corpse. Then light the bitch on fire. Other than that, I have no problem with her...

I never understood how people hate their jobs...until today. I have come to the understanding that if you do NOT enjoy being around your co-workers, you will NOT enjoy your job no matter how much you actually enjoy the tasks and responsibilities...

I should have no restrictions on my activities outside of work unless they are illegal or they reflect poorly on my employer. I work and get paid for 40 hours a week. For the other 128 hours, stay OUT of my personal life...

The Brewers released their 2010 schedule today. Opening day is actually at Miller Park this year. Is is WRONG to already be excited? I might have to come down with the flu so I can go to it...

I told a friend that I wanted to spend my 30th BIRTHDAY wherever the Brewers were playing. Looks like I'm headed to Arizona...

Aaron Rodgers is straight MONEY! How can the Favre-lovers diss Aaron now? Can't stay healthy? He played most of last year with a bum shoulder. Can't bring the team back in the 4th quarter? See the Bear game Sunday night. I cannot wait for whatever some Favre obsessed jackass comes up with next...

It was nice to see A.J. Hawk get some much needed LOVE on the Journal Sentinel Packer blog. I love A.J. because he plays the game the way Nitchske did. I hate A.J. because his wife is smoking hot...

Ted Thompson is looking pretty SMART now, isn't he haters? If TT is an idiot, I want to be an idiot...

Ruvell Martin signed with the Rams today. He was the one guy I was disappointed the Packers were not able to find a place for. He was a GREAT interview and seemed like a decent human being...

Having weekend plans sucks. I keep looking forward to MADISON this weekend and it is making my work day seem longer than normal. Next week will be even worse. I'll be looking forward to my Father-Son trip to St. Louis...

How can people HATE on Obama for the job he's doing? He has not even been in office for a year yet, Republicans are dragging their feet on some important legislation, and Obama inherited the "American Mess" from his *cough* brilliant *cough* predecessor...

That's it for today's crappy day RANTS. Time to watch "RocknRolla" and see if Guy Ritchie recovered his movie making magic.

The 2009 Season Kicks Off With a Bang

The Packers got off to a good start against the Bears. It was nerve racking, but eventually Aaron Rodgers and the new 3-4 defense pulled it out.

Favorite Moment: (Tie) Johnny Jolly's interception in the red zone was the greatest interception by a defensive lineman I have ever seen. Al Harris picking off Jay Cutler to essentially end the game gave me flashbacks of the Matt Hasselbeck "We want the ball and we're going to score" play-off game.

Least Favorite Moment: The ticky tack penalty for illegal contact against Al Harris. First, it should not have been called. Second, it extended the drive and could have cost the Packers the game. Finally, if Al Harris is going to be called for minor contact every game, then it is going to be a long year.

MVP: Jay Cutler - Only the savior could be the MVP. His four interceptions kept the Packers ahead the whole game.

Hello, New Friend

If you read my previous note entitled "Good Bye, Old Friend," regarding the death of my previous grill, you will be happy to know that a new grill is officially in the stable. And just in time for Packer season!

My dad picked up a Coleman Road Grill LXE from Menard's today just 2 hours before we left for Lambeau. We put it together in the drive way and I all could think about was the smell of brats grilling in the parking lot.

The grill is amazing. Travels easily since it folds up into a low profile and has wheels. It's quick to set up. And it cooks fast. Our rib eye steaks were finished in no time. And tasted delicious!

After the Packers dramatic Sunday night victory over the Bears, the grill starts off 1-0.

Time to make some memories!

The Day the Cubicles Stood Still...

I had one of those days today. The soul crushing, smack you in the face, kick your ass while you're down kind of day. And there was no reason for it. Turns out every place and I mean EVERY place, is just like high school.

I won't go into specifics because there are spies among the Facebook faithful. I'm not usually a conspiracist, but there are too many coincidences to be random. So here goes...

It started with someone who was a certain way and did things. Others helped and eventually the knife had to be removed from their backs. Other people did not like other things said. Some did not comprehend things. Things were said. Things were done. Parties were partaken in. Rumors swirled. Truths swirled. People broke trusts. Friends were made. Friends were lost. God times were had. Bad times consumed the lot. Things were moved up the chain. Basically, things were done by people at times and places. Everything culminated in the group being broken up. I sense there is a Yoko at work. When the dust cleared, myself and one other person had a new cubicle.

The bitch of it all is that I tried to be friends with everyone. I was inclusive. I was compassionate. I was the defender of wrongs. I was trusting. And that was my downfall. Like many in history, I was befallen by one close to me. Or so I thought was close.

Nothing against my new cubicle buddies, but they're just not my friends...yet. I hate change. Absolutely despise it. I'll miss the loud mouth cunt. The guy who incessantly talks about online poker. I'll even miss the emotional one.

I try to stay positive and have a smile on my face. But it's hard when I realize I'm a nobody. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. "Keep your head up, Mark." I heard this many times today. How about you go fuck yourself and let me sulk for awhile. Is that okay with you, your highness? I suppose in the grand scheme of everything, it could be worse. At my last job, there was a worker who could only be classified as an self-absorbed, alcoholic loner with an unjustified ego that rivaled only the likes of Hitler. At least I'm not a piece of shit that people look upon with contempt and unbridled hate.

So I have that going for me. Which is nice.

But I feel alone on my island surrounded by a sea of estrogen.

And that makes me blue. But at the same time, red. Red burning with a furious rage. A rage that can only lead to 2 things - an outburst of Titanic proportions or an updated resume that will help me move onto the next chapter that is Mark.

To those I'll miss, and you know who you are, I say, "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

The BEST Man Speech

This is the speech I gave as the best man at Jeff's wedding. I wrote it while I lived in Madison, but completely forgot about it until today. I had to use my parents' computer to print it before the ceremony and never deleted it. I have not read it since the wedding day.

If you know me, you know I'm not one to brag. So it is uncomfortable for me to pat myself on my back. But this is a good best man speech. Possibly the best speech this side of Luke Wilson's in Old School. There's a reason I was chosen as the best man. I'm great. Hands down. No doubt. Best best man ever. The absolute bestest man. (Even if I did throw off the size ratio as the wedding party stood at the altar. Really? What the fuck? I guess I'm just lucky my parents raised a halfway decent kid who knows when to hold back even when it is justified. Without tact and a sense of humor, quips are just mean.)

So here's the speech...(I typed it up exactly how it was written so I left in the "cues" I gave myself during the speech. And yes, everyone laughed during the pauses. I know my audience. And I'm a flat out funny son-of-a-bitch.)

Everyone – if I could get your attention. I'd just like to say a few words. My name is Mark, and I have the immense fortune of being both a great friend of the groom, as well as his best man. I apologize for being a little nervous up here. I’ve not had nearly enough to drink tonight, but I’ll change that later.

Since the happy couple was a little concerned about what I might say during my toast, they set me up with some guidelines. I could not cuss nor could I tell any embarrassing stories that may or may not included screen doors, summer sausage, my parent’s couch, or a little guy named Jack Daniel’s. Basically, they stripped me of all my ideas so I decided to search the internet for some thoughts and how-to’s.

Now, in my extensive research to find out how to deliver a great best man speech, I learned that I am expected to sing the praises of the groom and tell you what a wonderful guy Jeff is. Unfortunately, I'm a bad singer and a lousy liar. [PAUSE] Coincidentally, not as bad a singer as Jeff displayed Saturday night.

So here goes. Jeff, Allye is a wonderful, beautiful, kind and good-hearted person who deserves a trusting, compassionate and loving husband. Thank goodness you snapped her up before she found one. [PAUSE] All kidding aside - I'm honored to be here today.

The truest meaning of marriage is the magic of being needed by just one person. The two of you have come together to share your lives and realize your dreams. Today you are husband and wife. This is day one of a great adventure and I'm honored to be able to share it with you. Remember that great opportunities to help each other seldom come... but small ones will surround you everyday.

I love you both and wish you many years of happy marriage. [RAISE GLASS] Now, if you'll all join me in raising a glass to our happy couple, Jeff and Allison. [WAIT FOR IT] May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness. Congratulations! [HUG IT OUT, BITCH]

My Father, My Friend, My Inspiration, My Hero

My father retired today after almost 39 years at the Sheboygan County Highway Department. I decided to write a note to honor what he has meant to me.

He is a great hero in my life, my greatest strength. I cannot even scratch the surface of all the events that reflect his impact upon my life. Even in the midst of my successes and my shortcomings, (Yeah, yeah, I know there have been many) he has always accepted me as I am. I am in awe of his strength, his integrity, and the painful endurance he deals with daily. I only ask that he stays safe and (relatively) pain-free for many, many years. I hope that I can somehow, someway come close to having his strength, his boldness and his wisdom to endure all. Two moments, in particular, stand out amongst his many influences on my life.

The first moment is when my father, mother, sister and me walked out of the gymnasium after I won my last match at the State wrestling meet. I cannot remember which trip to Wisconsin Rapids it was, but that victory earned my spot at Nationals. As we were approaching the car, he bummed a cigarette from someone. It seemed as though his nerves had gotten the better of him. It was the first and only time I saw him smoke a cigarette. (Unless I count the few times he morphs into a cigar aficionado and smokes those horrendous air-tipped Muriels.) Why is this moment important to me? It proved that he had a personal stake in my well-being. At that moment, he was so invested in the outcome that it overtook him with nervousness and stress. Even with the tension created by my matches, driving all over the country to compete was never boring!

The second moment is when I realized I had the same sense of humor. That moment is as clear today as it was then. Jeff had stored his Mustang in the barn for winter. Once the weather broke, he decided to pick up the car. The three of us were attempting to jump start his engine. Jeff popped the hood. As I searched in vain for the latch under the hood, I jokingly asked, "Am I retarded or?" and without missing a beat or letting me finish, my father quickly chimed in with a simple, yet powerful "Yes." Jeff still laughs at me for that. But in that one moment, I realized how I learned to be a quick-witted, mocking, sarcastic asshole – from him. Thanks, Pops. That quick-wit will continue to serve me well.

Although I seem to be a spark plug for disgust and disappointment and a black hole for his hard earned dollars, he has not complained all that much.

Thanks for everything. I may not say it often, but I love him with all my heart. He is the greatest dad in the whole world. I always see a friend in him and I consider myself to be the luckiest son in the world. I was blessed with the greatest, most giving, most FORGIVING parents any child could ask for. Thanks for always being at the practices, at the games, in the good times, and in the bad times.

Now I only hope he kicks back, puts his feet up and enjoys his retirement.

I love you, Pops! (By the way, could I borrow 20 bucks?)

2009 Green Bay Packer Predictions, Promises and Possibilities

Predictions:

Chicago Bears - Win
Cincinnati Bengals - Win
@ St. Louis Rams - Win
@ Minnesota Vikings - Loss
Open Date
Detroit Lions - Win
@ Cleveland Browns - Win
Minnesota Vikings - Win
@ Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Win
Dallas Cowboys - Win
San Francisco 49ers - Win
@ Detroit Lions - Win
Baltimore Ravens - Loss
@ Chicago Bears - Loss
@ Pittsburgh Steelers - Loss
Seattle Seahawks - Win
@ Arizona Cardinals - Win

I predict the Packers will finish the season at 12-4. With that record, the Packers will win the division and host a play-off game. The Packers could easily slip up at Arizona or home to the Cowboys or Bears. However, they could surprise and win in Minnesota or Chicago or home on Monday Night Football against the Ravens.

I would settle for a record that wins the division and would be ecstatic with a record of 12-4 or better. Then again, I would be okay with any record that includes two beat downs of the Vikings by a combined score of 100-0.


Possibilities:

• If Aaron Rodgers stays healthy, he will win the MVP award.
• Greg Jennings will do the first Lambeau Leap this year.
• Calvin Johnson will catch four touchdown passes against the Pack.
• Charles Woodson will lead the NFL in interceptions.
• Cutting Anthony Smith will haunt the Packers after Atari Bigby goes down with an injury.
• Aaron Rodgers will lead the Packers to two 4th quarter comeback victories.
• Last week's Sports Illustrated cover featuring Aaron Rodgers will not be the last Packer cover this season.
• Ryan Grant will rush for a minimum of 1,500 yards and 10 touchdowns.
• The Packers' defense will finish the year ranked in the top five in total defense.
• Mike McCarthy will win the Coach of the Year award.
• Mike McCarthy will be holding up the Lombardi trophy at season's end.

Promises:

• If Aaron Rodgers stays healthy, he will be in the top three in MVP voting at the end of the year.
• I will be in the stands at Lambeau for at least the Bears, Vikings and Ravens games. I also will be in St. Louis for the Rams game.
• Desmond Bishop will end the season as a starter.
• I will turn my back when Brett Favre runs onto Lambeau Field. I will NOT boo him because of what he accomplished in the Green and Gold, but I cannot see him emerge from the tunnel wearing purple.
• Brett Favre will be booed - long and loud.
• Brett Favre will not care.
• Jermichael Finley will lead the team in touchdown passes.
• A.J. Hawk will be unfairly labeled a bust. I love Hawk because he defines what a football player should be. I hate Hawk because his wife is smokin' hot.
• The Packers will host at least 1 play-off game.
• The Packers' success will prove Ted Thompson is able to build a team.

I'm sure many people will disagree with my prognostications, but who gives a fuck. If Aaron Rodgers goes down with an injury, the Packers' season is over and a top five draft pick awaits the new general manager in April. If everything goes according to plan, another Return to Titletown parade awaits fans in February.

GO PACK GO!

DJL Clan Avatars

Even our Avatars could kill you!

With the Parents at the Park...Again

Deadly Justice League Clan

My friends and I decided to form a 360 clan. Murda and I were members of Deadly Justice, but since nobody in that clan really plays Battlefield: Bad Company, we decided to form a splinter cell. We called it the Deadly Justice League. Our slogan is "Live Fast. Die Heroically." It's for people we know in real life. DJL is a fun group to talk shit with and kill a bunch of assholes. Just some good, clean, American fun.

Gotcha Bitch!

Here is LINK the to our Facebook group.

The Customer Service Dilemma

"Everyone has a right to be stupid; some people just abuse the privilege."

How do you tell someone he's stupid without saying, "Hey moron, you're a fucking idiot. Why don't you think for a change? I guess common sense is not a concept you grasp?" I wish I could say that and still keep my job.

So here's the backstory. Some guy called up today to bitch about his HSA. He had an account and so did his wife. They were authorized signers on each others accounts. He was concerned about the negative balance on his account. Checks were bouncing left and right. He had the brilliant idea to write checks off his account. However, he thought that as long as his wife signed the check, the funds would be taken out of her account.

"You guys really fucked me here." And so the cussing began.

I actually had to teach to him how checks work. I explained that no matter who signs the checks, the funds are drawn from the account number that is printed on the checks. And it's not like he is new to the magical world of checking. He is on the plus side of 40, but the dementia years are a ways off.

"I've had nothing but trouble with you fucks." Yes. Because you are a moron. No? That cannot be. Your stupidity is also our fault. I better watch out before Al Gore comes after us for global warming and Packer fans blame us for Brett Favre choosing to wear purple.

He wanted a resolution and now. So I ordered checks for his wife's account at no charge. Yup. We paid for his stupidity. I once again explained that the checks with his name first and his account number will draw from HIS HSA and the checks with her name first and her account number will draw from HER HSA. It was like teaching rocket science to a toddler. He asked how to get funds out of her account during the "months" it will take for the checks to arrive. I advised him that she could use the debit card linked to her account during the 10 days the checks would be in the mail.

"Everyone uses checks for medical expenses. Why the hell would I use the debit card?" That was his gem of a response. Really? I think there are hundreds of thousands of people that would disagree. Me being one of them.

So I added him to my asshole caller list and went about my day. However, I could not shake the notion that his stupidity might have some way rubbed off on me. God help me.

God help us all!

2009 Green Bay Packer Training Camp

I Fear Things that Cannot be Killed like Zombies and Brett Favre

I’m guessing everyone has heard the news by now. The sun has risen. Oh, yeah. And some guy unretired...again. I did not catch the contract numbers, but I’m guessing he signed for 30 pieces of silver.

It was surreal to see the helicopter watching Brett get off the plane and then following the SUV as it drove to the Vikings practice facility. It was like Michael Jackson’s funeral all over again. Except this time, I was mourning for my memories.

I am deeply disappointed in Favre’s decision and his character. He seems to be actively trying to be oblivious to fan sentiment. He does not seem to understand how his actions are tarnishing his reputation. I hope he will be remembered for the wins and records rather than the damage he inflicted on his relationship he built with Packer fans.

One thing for sure will come from Brett suiting up for the Vikings. It will be easy to tell who the 1990’s bandwagon jumpers were. Every fan who cheers for the Vikings and Favre, but against the Packers, was never a true Packer fan to begin with.

I understand that Reggie White and THE Green Bay Packer icon, Vince Lombardi, also retired and then came back to a different team. They did not, however, threaten retirement for the last five years as a Packer, tearfully retire on the national stage, suggest they want to return, decide to stay retired, announce their return through the media, make a spectacle at Family Night in Green Bay, force a trade, spout off hate to the national media about a team that supported them for years, lead their new team to an underwhelming season, retire again, get bad mouthed by ex-teammates, suggest another return, stay retired because they could not play/coach at a high level any longer, and then return to the game again because they could play/coach at a high level after all.

Over the years, my great memories of Brett have created this myth. I ingeniously call it The Brett Favre Myth (BFM.) It basically is the feeling that Favre is bigger than the team. That Brett, and him alone, won all those games. The home games in the cold at Lambeau. The 4th quarter comebacks. The play-off games. The Super Bowl. And it’s that myth that clouds the sensibilities of Packer fans today.

Brett, the player, I admire. Brett, the loving son, I admire. Brett, the caring husband, I admire. Brett, the generous charity supporter, I admire. Brett, the prima donna, I don’t. And I think this is where the BFM clouds fans’ views.

I remember my Grandpa coming home after a random Packer game on a Sunday fall afternoon. I was practicing my pitching against the old concrete silo in our yard. My Grandpa stepped out of his Buick and handed me a great gift...a pack of Pro Set trading cards that were handed out to fans before the game. At the time, I never realized that was the beginning of the Packers return to dominance. What game was it? It was Brett’s memorable comeback in 1992 against the Cincinnati Bengals that announced his arrival as THE quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.

Since that day, Brett has given me great memories…and some not so good ones...

...I remember coming home from a church confirmation getaway and sitting down to watch the first Packer play-off game in years. The Packers were playing the Lions in Detroit. A quarterback playing like he didn’t know any better, rolled out left and heaved a bomb across the field and hit Sterling Sharpe to put the Packers up for good. At that moment, I knew the Packers were going places.

...After the Packers thoroughly demolished the Carolina Panthers in the NFC Championship game, nobody left. Everyone had their arms around the person next to them. We were swaying back and forth, singing “We Are The Champions.” “This Is Our House” was flashing on the Jumbotrons. It was a powerful moment. Brett Favre was front and center.

...I remember sitting in the basement at my cousin’s house watching Super Bowl XXXI. Brett, like a Pop Warner kid, running around the field with his helmet in the air, celebrating a long touchdown pass to Andre Rison. This is probably my favorite Favre moment. It will always be how I remember him.

...My worst Packer Favre memory is 4TH and 26. I still cannot talk about it.

...I was working 3rd shift at The Home Depot while Favre had one of his greatest games as a Packer and one of his worst games as a man. In the conference room, I watched Brett throw 5 touchdowns just days after losing his father to a heart attack. His emotions shown through the screen. If you watched that game and did not feel for Brett and his family, you are a robot.

...Sitting in the stands after the 2007 NFC Championship game, I was completely lost for words. Anger. Hate. Disappointment. Sadness. Shock. All emotions that raced through me. That was the last time I ever saw Brett in the Green and Gold. It still pains me to this day that Brett’s last pass as a Packer was a duck. He was trying to do something great, but it was a duck nonetheless.

I was disappointed in Brett’s response to a question posed to him today at his press conference. He was asked about people being tired of his wavering. He responded, “Don’t watch” and shrugged his shoulders. I liken that response to a little kid throwing a hissy fit in the middle of a crowded church. And then after getting scolded by adults, who disapprove of his childish actions, telling everyone, “If you don’t like it, don’t pay attention.” You’re going to get attention acting like a baby especially with ESPN monitoring your travel plans, Jay Glazer tapping your phone and Peter King camping outside your house. There are some people that get upset at the massive amounts of attention that is focused on them because of their sometimes outlandish behavior. Those people are either the Presidents of the United States or prima donnas. And Brett is definitely NOT the President of the United States.

I do not think Brett Favre will automatically put the Vikings in the Super Bowl. They were favorites to win the division and go deep into the play-offs in 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008. They failed each year. I do not think an aging superstar quarterback with a minor rotator cuff tear will light the world on fire. So then why would the Vikings sign Favre and to a 12,000,000 dollar a year contract? A few reasons can explain it. One, it makes the Vikings relevant on a national scale. The talking heads on ESPN are now talking about the Vikings. If Favre was not a Viking, ESPN would be going gonzo over Michael Vick or the return of Tom Brady. Two, it sells tickets. The Vikings were having trouble selling out the games. Now, the Vikings do not have to worry about local television blackouts. Three, it helps push the Vikings towards a new stadium. The owner is doing the same dance as every other professional sports team owner does. The Vikings might have to move if a new stadium is not built. It is blackmail in the simplest form. Build a new stadium or we’re gone. I would hate to be a Minnesota voter now especially after swallowing the tax increases for the new Twins stadium. The voters now feel the pressure to support the team by spending at least 500 million dollars on new digs. The owner cannot live without those luxury suites padding his wallet. He couldn't just live as a millionaire. He HAS to be a billionaire. Brett will help him with his money problems.

Most of the TT haters like to believe that the whole saga began with TT not wanting Favre back. It really began when Favre wanted TT to sign Randy Moss and TT passed. Then after the team was one duck pass away from the Super Bowl without Moss, TT passed again on Moss. Favre impulsively decided to retire, a move he clearly regretted as soon as he made it. Whether or not Favre was right about Moss, it was NOT his place to expect a voice in personal matters. Sherman started an unwise trend of letting Brett run the place. Teams cannot let players have personnel control or all hell will break loose. I think the old saying goes, “You cannot let the inmates run the asylum.” TT needed to stop that trend so he put his foot down and Favre took his ball and went home.

This particular Favre circus has nothing to do with Ted Thompson though. Many of Favre’s worshippers, brainwashed by the BFM, think Favre going to the Vikings is TT’s worst nightmare. It’s not. TT has his own team to worry about. However, I do believe this could be TT’s redemption. I read a blog today that compared TT to Osama bin Laden. Are you fucking kidding me? One orchestrated the worst terrorist attack in United States history that left thousands dead and a country forever changed. The other is a general manager for a professional sports team. Professional sports are in the entertainment business. Please, if you’re going to hate on TT, be smart about it. Come at me with an intelligent discussion. Do not let your love of Brett Favre feed your hatred of TT. TT made a business decision. A tough decision. An unpopular decision. But the right decision for the growth and future of the Green Bay Packers. As a PACKERS fan, that is what I expect the general manager to do. He made the impossible decision to let Brett leave, but it was the correct one. The Packers are now set at quarterback for 10 years rather than clinging for a few years to the battered right arm of a rapidly aging Hall of Fame quarterback.

I’ve got the season tickets ready to go for November 1st. Oh, he will get booed at Lambeau. To think otherwise would be as delusional as Favre thinking this does not hurt his legacy with Packer fans. I am torn. To boo or not to boo. It’s hard to remember all the great memories with a knife in my back. The Brett Favre saga could be comical, if it was not becoming a pathetic ending to what once was an admired, honored career.

Do I wish Favre was still in the Green and Gold? Yes. But I am a PACKER fan first. I always will be. I cheered for Dickey and Majkowski before Favre and I will cheer for Rodgers and his successors after Favre.

On a side note, Brett’s returned has helped my bottom line. The only way to purchase Packers tickets for the Rams game in St. Louis, directly from the Rams ticket office, was to purchase tickets to another game. I choose the Vikings at Rams game. And with Brett Favre coming back, not only will I be able to sell those tickets and recoup the face value, I will be able to sell them for twice as much and pay for the Packers tickets too. Boom! I now have free tickets to see the Packers in St. Louis. So I have that going for me, which is nice.

I’ll leave you all with a simple, but powerful quote. It came from Aaron Kampman after he was asked about Favre signing with the rival Vikings. “The red jersey will be off.” Yes. Yes, it will. Go get ‘em, guys!

Revenge is a Dish Best Served on Microwave Power Level 7 for 3 1/2 Minutes

This poem comes complete with the low-light, weird angle, "artsy" self-portrait that seems to be so popular on sites like Facebook and MySpace.

The playmate who stole toys,
Now fondles little boys.

The pastor who felt other men,
Now dates Ken.

The peer who always had to win,
Now lives in sin.

The teacher who used many manuals,
Now worships Jack Daniels.

The bully who teased in school,
Now is a tool.

The girlfriend who left with Sid,
Now has a kid.

The friend who backstabbed,
Now drives a cab.

The owner who made work hell,
Now has to sell.

The wife who ran away with her brother,
Now has no significant other.

The dad who never understood,
Now is petrified wood.

The self who could never cope,
Now hangs from a rope.


On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being BAD and 10 being AWESOMELY BAD, I'm shooting for a 10+ for this poem. Comments and critiques are appreciated. Anything to help bring out my true, bad inner poet.

0 to 175 in Two and a Half Minutes

Since Facebook, MySpace and blogs seem to bring out everyone's inner poet, I thought I'd throw my hat into the ring.

I wait for a sign from the heavens.
Finally, green, I go.
My front tire jumps off the ground,
the force rips through my body.
Jane, a friend, but yet more, feels it too.
Her body melts onto my back.
She holds tight, not wanting to fall.
I pull the throttle more
momentarily slowing to shift gears,
we lean as one, eating up the beautiful curves.
I glance down, 110, 115, 120
I have never experienced speed like this.
so I pull the throttle back even farther.
The vibrant color streaks by,
no sounds, but Jane’s heart beating faster, faster.
I go for it all
I peek back down
I climax at 175, something I have never experienced
Euphoria overwhelms my body
Grabbing tighter, tighter
Jane trembles from exhilaration
I slow down only after the feeling escapes us
We arrive at her house,
Our journey over.
I dismount to walk her to the door
And after a good night kiss,
I climb back on to try it again,
this time, by myself.


(This is obviously a joke and not a reflection of my true writing abilities. If you think otherwise, please read this POST. In this case, you're the B.)

Movie Mondays - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

"Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?"

In honor of John Hughes' untimely passing last week, I wanted to spotlight my favorite movie he had a hand in creating. Hughes was a great director, writer and producer. He directed many great 80's movies including: "Sixteen Candles," "The Breakfast Club," "Uncle Buck," "Weird Science" and this week's Movie Monday entry, "Ferris Bueller's Day Off."

I remember watching "Day Off" during an "off" day of school. I'm sure everyone that has watched the movie has a story like that.

"Day Off" is a great movie. From the beginning to the end, greatness oozes from every scene. And that greatness began in the planning stages. The script is airtight. The locations are awesome. The casting is spot on. I don't think I could ever imagine Ferris as any one other than Matthew Broderick. I don't think I'd want to.

To this day, I still have almost the whole movie memorized. I have to watch it at least a few times a year. If I catch just a brief glimpse of it on TV, my mood instantly improves.

I try to live my life according to Ferris. "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

My hat goes off to John Hughes for creating a brilliant masterpiece. My heart goes out to his family and to the world. A great movie maker was lost. And a great man.

The Art of Douchebaggery!

I hate non-handicapped bastards who park in the handicapped parking spot. I REALLY hate bastards who park in TWO handicapped parking spots.

So I'm taking lunch at work yesterday and this douchebag pulls across both handicapped parking spots.


I thought, okay, it was an isolated douchebag incident. I was wrong. I was at lunch today and some new douchebag did the same thing.


They work for a company that picks up old real estate magazines and drops off new ones. Usually, the normal douchebag parks in the handicapped spot. The only saving grace is that he parks in the spot like a normal driver. Not these douchebags. They think it is okay to take up the ONLY handicapped spots in the lot. Will it really kill you to walk that extra 12 feet? No. Unless, obviously and I can't believe I didn't know this, you're a douchebag.

I want to throat punch them.

I want some prison warden to strip them down and let the rapists in D Block have their way with them.

I want Michael Weston and Fiona to put just a bit of C4 under their cars. Just enough for a little "show."

I want to smash their face into a car windshield, and then take their mothers out for a nice seafood dinner and never call them again.

Why must we accept this douchebaggery?

More importantly, why is it wrong to take a pipe wrench to their skulls?

Please, don't be a douchebag. I beg of you.

Lyric Wednesdays - The Verve

Another Wednesday, another lyric entry from The Verve. This one is a bit more popular than the last entry. It is also off their 1997 album, "Urban Hymns."

With the economy in the crapper and money hard to come by, one phrase in this song hits home. "You're a slave to money then you die." That's life. We work for the dollar. We spend that dollar. Then we go back to our pathetic jobs and try to earn another dollar. It's a vicious cycle.

I lay awake at night dreaming of the freedom riches bring. I want to be able to not have to worry how I'm going to pay the bills. Unfortunately, I do not know how to do that. So I go back to my job and do my best. Why? To one day be promoted and earn more money. It could be worse. At least I have a job. And a relatively secure one in today's economy.

I wish I had the love of my life. I wish I had an acceptable body image. I wish I had enough money to do what I want, when I want.

It's not all bad. I have a few great friends. I have the best family in the world. I have my thoughts.

I love life. It's not easy, though. It's a Bitter Sweet Symphony...

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

#7, Michael Vick, Backup Quarterback, Green Bay Packers?

First off, I know it will NOT happen.

Second, I am a dog lover. I was appalled.

Third, to this day, I'm still sore that the Falcons beat the Packers in the playoffs. It was the Packers first postseason loss at Lambeau. And of course, I had to be there.

However, Michael Vick is a weapon. That is the biggest reason I think Vick would be great in the Green and Gold. The NFL is a league of weapons. Look at the Cardinals. They were never out of it because of their plethora of weapons. Also, look at the Dolphins. In 2007, they were horrible. Then in 2008, they ran the Wildcat offense and befuddled defenses. That team did not have 11-5 talent.

Yes, the defensive coordinators around the league will figure out the Wildcat, but no team would have a player as dynamic as Vick running it. He can run, pass and catch.

The backlash from any team signing Vick would be severe. I am not a man of God, but people can be forgiven...if they show remorse. Vick paid his due. He did hard time in a federal penitentiary. He's trying to make amends and prove that he has put dog fighting behind him. He should never stop apologizing. He should never stop trying to improve his image. The moment he stops, he fails.

There are a few things the Packers would have to do if they signed Vick. They need to clear it with Aaron Rodgers. Tell him that Vick has absolutely no shot at the starting spot. Also, tell Vick that. Then, they need to clear it with their sponsors. Get the Humane Society, PETA and any other sponsor connected with animals to make positive statements regarding Vick. Something to the effect that Vick paid his dues and is actively trying to pay his debt to society. Next, set a zero tolerance policy. Make sure Vick knows it is one and done. One mistake and Vick gets kicked to the curb. McCarthy and Thompson have enough clout to make sure Vick stays in line. Plus, the Packers have enough veteran leadership to keep Vick on the straight and narrow. Do not alienate the fans or make them feel like the team is hiding something. Get out in front of the story. Explain what Vick did was horrendous. Show how he has paid for his crimes. Finally, sign Vick to a low cost contract. Throw some escalators in the contract, but Vick would probably take anything above the league minimum at this time. I mean a small contract in the NFL is better than a big contract in the UFL.

Vick in the Green and Gold is a pipe dream. But it's too amazing not to think about. Just like the possibility of drafting Michael Crabtree, Vick playing for the Packers would be electrifying. He would make the offensive unstoppable. Aaron Rodgers, Ryan Grant, Donald Driver, Greg Jennings, Jordy Nelson, Jermichael Finley, James Jones AND Michael Vick? Need I go on?

The Packers cannot afford a distraction like the Favre implosion last year. However, the Packers will have to decide whether Michael Vick, the player, can help them more than Michael Vick, the person, could hurt them.

I think it's worth the risk to find out.

Movie Mondays - The Matrix Edition

"He's starting to believe."

"He is the one."

Those are two of the many lines in "The Matrix" that still elicit goosebumps from me. And it's been 10 years and 100 viewings.

I watched "The Matrix" for the first time in over a year. Wow. It still has it. I cannot imagine ever creating something as great as it. The story, the effects, the action..."The Matrix" has it all.

I'm sure almost everyone has seen it. If not, buy it and watch it. (Don't waste money renting a movie that you will surely buy after watching it.) If you have seen it, pop it in again and let the emotions come flooding back.

I want to take the red pill!