Death to the Forward Slash!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to today's rant...

The only thing I hate more than an asshole account holder is an asshole caller applying for an account. It brings to mind sweet dreams of future calls of getting yelled at for nothing and appeasing demanding jerks who never do anything wrong. (I mean it has to bank's fault that someone would write a check for more than in his account. Wow. The bank is wicked.)

So I get this chick applying for account, but she runs into a problem. A problem bigger than health care reform, bigger than the economic collapse of major investment banks, bigger than not being able to find one's car after Black Friday shopping. What issue did she run into?

A slash. Yes. A slash. A forward slash to be exact. That right there -----> /

OH MY GOD! A FORWARD SLASH! NOOOOOO!

Her address has a 1/2 in it. Since our system does not allow special characters, she ran into a brick wall. She had no idea what to do. It's like coming to a T intersection and wanting to go straight. What should she do? Pull over. Stop. Call up the county planners and bitch. There are no other options. Bitching is the only solution.

So bitch she did. And I was on the receiving end. The conversation went like this...

"Why did you do it that way?" Unfortunately, the system was set up not to allow special characters.

"Why did you do it that way?" The system was designed that way.

"Well, why did you do it that way?" It has to do with the computer program. It was not designed to allow special characters.

"Can I switch it?" Unfortunately, the system cannot be changed.

"What should I do?" You could write it "one half."

"That will look disgusting." I do apologize, but since the system does not allow special characters, a work-around needs to be utilized.

"If I write it one half, will I be able to change it later?" No. Unless the system is changed, it would have to stay that way.

"Well, I suppose. That's stupid. But why did you do it that way?" ...silence...head pounding against desk...soft cries...shotgun blast...Kristen screaming...dead air.

She was such a bitch. And she was young too. She sounded hot, but she fails the hot/crazy scale. I can only imagine the future calls from this wonder child. I'm sure she'll bitch about the monthly fee, the closing fee, her bounced checks, her warm debit card, the 10 seconds she waited on hold, the spelling of our bank and the fact that water is wet.

So how did I end my moment of greatness with this wonderful specimen of public schooling? With my notes. Here is word-for-word what I typed into my Word notes...

TT FORGOT TO GET WHORES NAME. BITCHED ABOUT SLASH IN HER ADDRESS. FUCK HER.

So to all the forward slashes out there and the people who support them...

GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Night Vision Extraordinaire...Left of Reason Edition!

This is what happens when you mix Left of Reason, alcohol, bread, cheese, ham and night vision goggles...

When All My Built Up Hope, Excitement and Anticipation Goes...POOF!

Anyone that knows me, knows that I was anticipating the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 for the 360. I had the Hardened edition pre-ordered since April and the Prestige edition since May. November 10th could not have come soon enough. There I was Tuesday morning waiting in line at Best Buy to pick it up. After a LONG day of work, I raced home to play. After a hour long delay, (Damn, those goggles are fun!) I was ready to kill. I went through the single player campaign on Regular. Then on Veteran. And for a third time on Recruit. In between, Murda and I crushed the Special Ops missions. To this point, we have earned 66 of the possible 69 stars. Everything up until that point was what I imagined. It was glorious. It was awe-inspiring. It was worth the money.



Then came the online multi-player...



First off, Infinity Ward disabled Party chat during the match. (Party chat is for groups of up to 8 XBOX Live friends that can chat with each other no matter what game or activity they are doing individually. It's awesome. I can be killing, a buddy can be playing UNO and another checking Facebook, but we can all be talking together.) Party chat in this game? Nope. OUTLAWED. Fuck that. And because of that, Murda and I had to listen to the other players. That was the main reason behind gripe number 2.



There are WAY too many kids and racists playing this game. The game is rated M for mature. Kids under 18 should not even be playing it. Where are their parents? Boozing it up, that's where. Its probably the reason why the kids are so fucked up. Seriously, grow the fuck up. If I ever met you in real life, I'd fucking punch you in the head. Then I'd punch your Dad in the head. Then your Mom. Then the person standing next to your Mom out of spite for being in the same general area.



If the 10-year-old racists weren't bad enough, the "pros" I played with were. And by "pros," I mean the fucking no talent ass clowns that have nothing to do all day, but play. You know the ones. The ones that can skip school because their parents are too drunk to notice or the ones that have no job and sit in their parents' basements, smoking pot and reminiscing about the "glory" days of high school when they did that one "cool" thing that nobody remembers, but them. Basically, retards.



During the first match I played, I had no idea of the map layout, what guns were good for that map or where the killing zones were. Plus, I was playing with 1 of the 3 guns (which are all crap) the game starts you with. Needless to say, I started 0-6. All of sudden everyone on my team starts dumping on me, taunting me and telling me how much I suck. (Except Murda who was in the same boat. He was not running around all crazy-like so he didn't get shot up like me.) Let's just say that pissed me off. Just a bit. Maybe a bit more than a bit. I could have choked out a nun. I was a little upset. So I focused and rattled off a 10 kill streak to finish 10-6. My team lost by 1 kill, but I finished third. In the lobby after the game, I didn't hear anyone bitching or laughing at me. Funny. I wonder why? Maybe because a guy, who played his first match, without a basic knowledge of the map and playing with the starting guns, just bitch slapped you fucks up and down the map.



After that first match, Murda and I quit and played Battlefield: Bad Company...



Needless to say, we won the first Battlefield match after not playing that game in over 2 weeks. Did I mention I finished first overall and Murda and I won best squad? Oh yeah. We're fucking good.

Will I go back to mult-player on CoD: MW2? Probably. It's just so deflating when something I looked forward to for a long ass time, disappoints. (Kind of like the "Crying Game." Having a great time with someone that gets you and loves you for you and then, BAM!, a penis shows up.) However, the game is just too damn good to put on a shelf. Nevertheless, I will always be wary of the racist kids and the good-for-nothing wannabe pros. But don't worry. I'll kill them...eventually. (In the game, I mean. Of course, of course.)

Night Vision Extraordinaire!

Thank you, Infinity Ward!

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Standard Edition - $60


Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Hardened Edition - $80


Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Prestige Edition - $150


Running Around the House Wearing Night Vision Goggles - Priceless

200 Straight Days of XBOX 360!

After Sunday, I have now gamed on my XBOX 360 for 200 straight days. Yes, I know. I'm still proud of my milestone though. Most of those days were spent killing on the Battlefield with Murda and sometimes Matt would join the fight. There was serious raping going on.



In honor of my 200th day, I decided to earn 200 achievement points. Some of the 23 were fun to get. Here's the list...

• MLB Front Office Manager - Rule 5 Drafter


• Tom Clancey's H.A.W.K. - Operation Ghost Rider


• WWE Legends of Wrestlemania - Created a Legend


• Guitar Hero: Metallica - Reload


• Guitar Hero: Metallica - Fixxxer


• Guitar Hero: Metallica - Blackened


• Guitar Hero: Van Halen - Bang your Gong


• Guitar Hero: Van Halen - Can I Borrow a Quarter?


• Guitar Hero: Van Halen - No Brown M&M’s!!


• Guitar Hero: Van Halen - Intruder


• Guitar Hero: Van Halen - Have You Seen His Grades?


• Guitar Hero 5 - Score Big


• Guitar Hero 5 - Producer


• Guitar Hero 5 - Explore the Studio Space


• Guitar Hero 5 - What's New?


• Guitar Hero 5 - Young Star


• Guitar Hero 5 - Above And Beyond


• Guitar Hero 5 - No Mistakes Allowed


• Guitar Hero 5 - Senior Commander


• Guitar Hero 5 - Special Guest


• Guitar Hero 5 - Over 9000!


• Guitar Hero 5 - Crowd Pleaser


• Guitar Hero 5 - Did You Finish Like We Did?

I tracked my progress at 360voice.com. Check out my blogging 360 at 360 Voice. The site is awesome. It creates a blog from your 360's point-of-view. Try it. You'll enjoy it.

As you can see, I also changed my gamer picture. It's my XBOX Live Avatar. Yes, that's a Lightsaber. Yes, I know I'm a geek. Here is the entry from my 200th day...

I thought maybe the power was out yesterday... imagine my surprise when Lunchbox37 hit the switches! Gamerscore stands at 27,450. That is a gain of 200 points over last time! He rallied MLB® Front Office Mgr gaining 1 achievement, Halo Wars, Tom Clancy’s H.A.W.X picking up 1 achievement, WWE Legends winning 1 achievement, Guitar Hero 5 gaining an amazing 12 achievements, Guitar Hero Van Halen finishing 5 achievements, Guitar Hero Metallica finishing 3 achievements, Halo Waypoint, BF: Bad Company, and... hmmm... I forget what else we did... BTW, I have a special secret to share... ready? FREAKIN' 200 DAYS OF GAMING IN A ROW OMG!

I never thought I would get to 200, but I did. (Thanks to some help from, of all people, my Mom.) I'm not sure how much longer I can go. But with Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 dropping today, I'll probably be on for a bit more. It would be nice to play 365 days in a row, but I just do not see that happening.



Murda and I killing on my 200th day.

Return of a Legend(dary Douchebag)

How I Spent a Beautiful Sunday in October

After I rolled out of bed just in time to catch the last bit of the Fox NFL pregame, my dad and I sat down to watch a relaxing Packer beat down of the Lions. At half-time, I had to run to the gas station so I took Laddie with me. Noticing how nice of a day it was outside, I decided to make plans. Unfortunately, nobody could make the time to hang out. What to do? What to do? Then it hit me. A few days ago, my niece came upstairs and scolded me for how messy my room was...

"Untle Nark, you need to clean your room. Granma's gonna be mad."

She then preceded to make a lane in the middle of my room so Laddie could jump up on my bed. That night, Laddie did not even want to sleep upstairs because there was no place to lay down. So I figured it was time to clean. And today was as good a day as any. After the Packers shut out the lowly Lions, I got to work.

This is what my room looked like before...



Of course I had to take a few necessary Facebook breaks, a pizza break, a break to talk with my niece and nephew and a break to kill some bitches with Murda, but eventually I finished cleaning my room. I even alphabetized my XBOX 360 collection again.

This is what my room looked like after...




At 11:30, exactly 12 hours after I woke up and 8 hours after I started, I finished cleaning my room. How did I decide to celebrate? With Rock Band, of course. Arguably the greatest video game ever. I set up my drum set and rock 'n rolled until the wee hours of the morning. I tried to forget that the upcoming week will suck.



Another day well spent socializing with the only person that truly understands me...ME!

The Elusive BF:BC Full Deck Wild Card

After 2,905 games (Yes, you read that correctly) of Battlefield: Bad Company on my XBOX 360, I FINALLY earned the Full Deck wild card. The wild card is earned after 52 kills in one match. (Although technically, I did earn it while playing on Matt's profile, but until today, that wild card never appeared on my gamertag.)

This is one of, if not the most, elusive wild cards in the game. In all those games I played, I saw the Full Deck wild card earned ONLY 3 times. The best part is that I earned it for 2 out of those 3 times.

The wild card was made even more special because Murda was on my squad to enjoy it with me. (He was just shy of earning the wild card.) I finished with over 1,000 points and he finished with over 800 points. The next highest scoring guy on either team had a touch over 600. That is statistical proof that Murda and I DOMINATE that game.

I thought it was fitting that my 52nd kill was a knife kill. Sorry about that, Crazyman10000. You were unlucky number 52.

On a side note, when I first bought Battlefield: Bad Company, I thought the hardest achievement to get would be the "Beans Bullets Bandages" achievement for earning 10,002 kills. I waved bye-bye to that milestone a long time ago. After my Full Deck wild card, I now stand at 31,017 kills...and counting. Of which, 1,752 are knife kills.

Also, I am now ranked 2,205 out of at least a million players. (The leaderboard tops out at 500,001 and I have many friends ranked at 500,001 so there has to be almost a million Battlefield players.) My goal is to get into the top 2,000 before Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 begins to monopolize my time.

And to everyone I killed on my way to the Full Deck, I say...

"Gotcha Bitch!"

Why the U.S.A. Needs Health Care Reform...

We need health care reform. And this is my story why...

I received three bills from my insurance company on Friday. I intentionally did not open them until 15 minutes ago so they would not ruin my weekend. I was astonished when I opened them.

The first was from the original Nurse Practitioner that I saw. I went in and she looked at my sinuses and called them "boggy." I never realized that was a medical term, but I guess it is a new age term. The statement said my bill was $111.00. (Negotiated insurance price was $111.00. Yeah for insurance!) Basically, I went in and was told to go somewhere else for a CT scan. That was money well spent. I would have been better off investing in a Nigerian Prince's gold.

The second was for the CT scan. It was for $348.00 (Negotiated insurance price was $278.40.) This one does not irritate me too much. I understand that the machine is expensive and the hospital needs to recoup that expense. Okay, whatever. I'll move on.

The third bill was by far the most mind-blowing one of all. It was from the St. Nicholas hospital. Before I tell you how much it was, I'll tell you what they did for me. I checked in and waited for 20 minutes before an admissions clerk could see me. (It was 7:30 in the morning and NOT busy at ALL.) In the 5 minutes I spoke with her, all she did was take my insurance information and tell me where the CT scan room was. I got to the CT scan room and waited for another 20 minutes before the scan. Then I was scanned for 5 minutes and out the door I went. And before I reveal the cost, do not forget I was already charged for the actual CT scan. So how much did this little encounter cost?

$1,056! (Negotiated insurance price was $792.00.)

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I was only helped for 10 minutes. That equates to $105.60 A FUCKING MINUTE! Nobody is worth that. And that is why the United States of America needs health care reform. Insurance companies, doctors, hospitals, and Congress only see dollar signs.

All they see is dollar signs.

Until we get reform that benefits the end user, but is fair for everyone, the little guy will ALWAYS get pinched. All in the name of profits.

And I do not care if this guy...

President Barack Obama

...or this guy...

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid

...or EVEN this guy...

Political Guru and Conspiracist Extraordinaire Alan Horn

...or MAYBE EVEN this guy...

Founder of Communism Karl Marx

...fixes the system. As long as someone fixes it. And I will be the first to admit that I am NOT smart enough to fix it alone. Then again, NO ONE IS SMART ENOUGH TO FIX IT ALONE! Nevertheless, egos and political affliations will always prevent AMERICANS from working together to solve a NATIONAL problem. I know, I know. Working together? What a novel concept.

And it's not that I cannot pay, it's that I should not have to pay THAT MUCH. The cost of seeing a doctor is RIDICULOUS! No wonder people do not go to the doctor. They're better off dying from a disease than from the stress of paying the bills!

So until the system is reformed, the current health care system can...

GO FUCK ITSELF!

I Love My Glistening, Gleeming Ruger .38

In observance of our new found loss of innocence and freedom, I have painstakingly added a new entry to Mark's "Poetry" Corner. (To view my previous entries go HERE and HERE.)


For the last 18 days
flowers sprung up
the sun shown bright and warm
cats and dogs lived together
I whistled at work
I went out and
enjoyed the companionship of others.

But now the second coming of the Messiah
haunts our halls
the man walketh on water back home
Freedom
crushed
Fun
grinds to a halt.

Blackened
is my soul
Alone
is my body
Crushed
is my spirit.

I sit destitute
my buddy
my pal
the Goose
keeps me company
until even that
runs out
and mocks me
as the last bit
teases my taste buds
with hope
but only delivers
despair.

Burdened by
hate
Bothered by
a false idol
taking its unforgivable place
above us
deserved, no
inevitable, yes
to stand with
conceit and contempt
for the happiness
the friendships
that others share
but not with Jesus.

But alas,
a bright light
glistening daylight in a night of hate
gleaming hope
I turn to my buddy
what would it be like
to touch it
to taste it
to suck on it's supple barrel
I pick it up
just to tease at first
I stutter and stammer
to find the words.

Click.
Freedom here I come.
Boom.

Alive at last.
Free at last.

Meet Us in St. Louis

A Room With a View

Just checked into our hotel in St. Louis. We are on the 17th floor (top floor in the hotel.) This is our view...

Rants and Raves After a Crappy Day

So I do NOT like one specific girl. Hate is a strong word, but it applies in this situation. I want to smother her in her sleep. Defecate on her corpse. Then light the bitch on fire. Other than that, I have no problem with her...

I never understood how people hate their jobs...until today. I have come to the understanding that if you do NOT enjoy being around your co-workers, you will NOT enjoy your job no matter how much you actually enjoy the tasks and responsibilities...

I should have no restrictions on my activities outside of work unless they are illegal or they reflect poorly on my employer. I work and get paid for 40 hours a week. For the other 128 hours, stay OUT of my personal life...

The Brewers released their 2010 schedule today. Opening day is actually at Miller Park this year. Is is WRONG to already be excited? I might have to come down with the flu so I can go to it...

I told a friend that I wanted to spend my 30th BIRTHDAY wherever the Brewers were playing. Looks like I'm headed to Arizona...

Aaron Rodgers is straight MONEY! How can the Favre-lovers diss Aaron now? Can't stay healthy? He played most of last year with a bum shoulder. Can't bring the team back in the 4th quarter? See the Bear game Sunday night. I cannot wait for whatever some Favre obsessed jackass comes up with next...

It was nice to see A.J. Hawk get some much needed LOVE on the Journal Sentinel Packer blog. I love A.J. because he plays the game the way Nitchske did. I hate A.J. because his wife is smoking hot...

Ted Thompson is looking pretty SMART now, isn't he haters? If TT is an idiot, I want to be an idiot...

Ruvell Martin signed with the Rams today. He was the one guy I was disappointed the Packers were not able to find a place for. He was a GREAT interview and seemed like a decent human being...

Having weekend plans sucks. I keep looking forward to MADISON this weekend and it is making my work day seem longer than normal. Next week will be even worse. I'll be looking forward to my Father-Son trip to St. Louis...

How can people HATE on Obama for the job he's doing? He has not even been in office for a year yet, Republicans are dragging their feet on some important legislation, and Obama inherited the "American Mess" from his *cough* brilliant *cough* predecessor...

That's it for today's crappy day RANTS. Time to watch "RocknRolla" and see if Guy Ritchie recovered his movie making magic.

The 2009 Season Kicks Off With a Bang

The Packers got off to a good start against the Bears. It was nerve racking, but eventually Aaron Rodgers and the new 3-4 defense pulled it out.

Favorite Moment: (Tie) Johnny Jolly's interception in the red zone was the greatest interception by a defensive lineman I have ever seen. Al Harris picking off Jay Cutler to essentially end the game gave me flashbacks of the Matt Hasselbeck "We want the ball and we're going to score" play-off game.

Least Favorite Moment: The ticky tack penalty for illegal contact against Al Harris. First, it should not have been called. Second, it extended the drive and could have cost the Packers the game. Finally, if Al Harris is going to be called for minor contact every game, then it is going to be a long year.

MVP: Jay Cutler - Only the savior could be the MVP. His four interceptions kept the Packers ahead the whole game.

Hello, New Friend

If you read my previous note entitled "Good Bye, Old Friend," regarding the death of my previous grill, you will be happy to know that a new grill is officially in the stable. And just in time for Packer season!

My dad picked up a Coleman Road Grill LXE from Menard's today just 2 hours before we left for Lambeau. We put it together in the drive way and I all could think about was the smell of brats grilling in the parking lot.

The grill is amazing. Travels easily since it folds up into a low profile and has wheels. It's quick to set up. And it cooks fast. Our rib eye steaks were finished in no time. And tasted delicious!

After the Packers dramatic Sunday night victory over the Bears, the grill starts off 1-0.

Time to make some memories!

The Day the Cubicles Stood Still...

I had one of those days today. The soul crushing, smack you in the face, kick your ass while you're down kind of day. And there was no reason for it. Turns out every place and I mean EVERY place, is just like high school.

I won't go into specifics because there are spies among the Facebook faithful. I'm not usually a conspiracist, but there are too many coincidences to be random. So here goes...

It started with someone who was a certain way and did things. Others helped and eventually the knife had to be removed from their backs. Other people did not like other things said. Some did not comprehend things. Things were said. Things were done. Parties were partaken in. Rumors swirled. Truths swirled. People broke trusts. Friends were made. Friends were lost. God times were had. Bad times consumed the lot. Things were moved up the chain. Basically, things were done by people at times and places. Everything culminated in the group being broken up. I sense there is a Yoko at work. When the dust cleared, myself and one other person had a new cubicle.

The bitch of it all is that I tried to be friends with everyone. I was inclusive. I was compassionate. I was the defender of wrongs. I was trusting. And that was my downfall. Like many in history, I was befallen by one close to me. Or so I thought was close.

Nothing against my new cubicle buddies, but they're just not my friends...yet. I hate change. Absolutely despise it. I'll miss the loud mouth cunt. The guy who incessantly talks about online poker. I'll even miss the emotional one.

I try to stay positive and have a smile on my face. But it's hard when I realize I'm a nobody. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. "Keep your head up, Mark." I heard this many times today. How about you go fuck yourself and let me sulk for awhile. Is that okay with you, your highness? I suppose in the grand scheme of everything, it could be worse. At my last job, there was a worker who could only be classified as an self-absorbed, alcoholic loner with an unjustified ego that rivaled only the likes of Hitler. At least I'm not a piece of shit that people look upon with contempt and unbridled hate.

So I have that going for me. Which is nice.

But I feel alone on my island surrounded by a sea of estrogen.

And that makes me blue. But at the same time, red. Red burning with a furious rage. A rage that can only lead to 2 things - an outburst of Titanic proportions or an updated resume that will help me move onto the next chapter that is Mark.

To those I'll miss, and you know who you are, I say, "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget."

The BEST Man Speech

This is the speech I gave as the best man at Jeff's wedding. I wrote it while I lived in Madison, but completely forgot about it until today. I had to use my parents' computer to print it before the ceremony and never deleted it. I have not read it since the wedding day.

If you know me, you know I'm not one to brag. So it is uncomfortable for me to pat myself on my back. But this is a good best man speech. Possibly the best speech this side of Luke Wilson's in Old School. There's a reason I was chosen as the best man. I'm great. Hands down. No doubt. Best best man ever. The absolute bestest man. (Even if I did throw off the size ratio as the wedding party stood at the altar. Really? What the fuck? I guess I'm just lucky my parents raised a halfway decent kid who knows when to hold back even when it is justified. Without tact and a sense of humor, quips are just mean.)

So here's the speech...(I typed it up exactly how it was written so I left in the "cues" I gave myself during the speech. And yes, everyone laughed during the pauses. I know my audience. And I'm a flat out funny son-of-a-bitch.)

Everyone – if I could get your attention. I'd just like to say a few words. My name is Mark, and I have the immense fortune of being both a great friend of the groom, as well as his best man. I apologize for being a little nervous up here. I’ve not had nearly enough to drink tonight, but I’ll change that later.

Since the happy couple was a little concerned about what I might say during my toast, they set me up with some guidelines. I could not cuss nor could I tell any embarrassing stories that may or may not included screen doors, summer sausage, my parent’s couch, or a little guy named Jack Daniel’s. Basically, they stripped me of all my ideas so I decided to search the internet for some thoughts and how-to’s.

Now, in my extensive research to find out how to deliver a great best man speech, I learned that I am expected to sing the praises of the groom and tell you what a wonderful guy Jeff is. Unfortunately, I'm a bad singer and a lousy liar. [PAUSE] Coincidentally, not as bad a singer as Jeff displayed Saturday night.

So here goes. Jeff, Allye is a wonderful, beautiful, kind and good-hearted person who deserves a trusting, compassionate and loving husband. Thank goodness you snapped her up before she found one. [PAUSE] All kidding aside - I'm honored to be here today.

The truest meaning of marriage is the magic of being needed by just one person. The two of you have come together to share your lives and realize your dreams. Today you are husband and wife. This is day one of a great adventure and I'm honored to be able to share it with you. Remember that great opportunities to help each other seldom come... but small ones will surround you everyday.

I love you both and wish you many years of happy marriage. [RAISE GLASS] Now, if you'll all join me in raising a glass to our happy couple, Jeff and Allison. [WAIT FOR IT] May the joys you share today, be the beginning of a lifetime of great happiness. Congratulations! [HUG IT OUT, BITCH]